There
is one thing that if it is true may be interpreted as shaking the foundations
of my beliefs. This potential nemesis, which may render my life and thoughts
useless, is found in the question of whether or not the vision of love some of
us find within ourselves truly reveals the full nature of human love. We have
discussed the desirability of true love as opposed to hate, or even to simply
not loving, and have plead for all to love one another. The cloud on my horizon
comes when, being by nature and choice a very logical and perhaps a rather
"cold" human being, I see intense, passionate "love"
between people which may seem to render less real and anemic my concept of
love.
If
I was simply asked to describe that set of human emotions which may drive one
human being to heady, irrational, and "total" commitment to another
human being, even to the point of deeply hurting friends, children, or spouses,
I would never label such emotions "love". Having never experienced
such passions, and being unlikely ever to do so, I have always dismissed them
as fueled by shallow desires, fostered and encouraged by people whose object
was far from "love". To suggest true love might exist between people
having an "affair" attacks the very foundation of my beliefs about
such love.
Yet
I have witnessed the pain that some of my friends went through when they
reached the end of one of those forbidden relationships. The pain I saw in a
special few of them was so intense I could not at the time say with great
conviction that they did not really love the other person. It frightens me to
think intense love for another might bring pleasure as intense as the pain it
can inflict, pleasure which might make our vision of true love between people
seem not a very desirable goal at all. I can, of course, never really know what
my friends felt, but I know that at the time I did not feel as comfortable as I
once had declaring their passionate romances loveless.
What
is particularly disturbing to me is that we can predict such an absolute
advantage for intense, passionate love, over what we have called true love, in
only two ways. The first downgrades love to being only one of many positive
human emotions. If we are the product of our biologic instincts, directed and
modified but not altered by rational thought, then we should expect the
ultimate positive experience of an individual to be filled with emotional
lightening. Such "love" is not at its best when given to everybody,
nor is it any less strong when it is between those for whom loving means
destroying others. It is love which, if not properly described as
self-centered, must at least be limited to a few, for by its nature it is an
intense, often physical, always personal, experience only a few can share.
It
elevates the role of sex in a relationship, and downgrades the importance of
fidelity (though perhaps only to a point). It may even make divorce desirable,
and suggests love is but one transient emotion to be supplemented by other
physical and mental pleasures. The implications are far reaching, and none bode
well for hopes of love among all people. Applying this logic, a person who
loves all people may not have reached a desirable goal. Indeed, the pragmatism
of such love gives added strength to the nihilists cry that nothing really
matters.
The
second way of explaining why what we have described as true love may not be as
desirable as passionate "love", is simply to
note what I find in my heart, mind, and soul to be true love may not be.
Perhaps generations of philosophical, theological, and psychological thinkers
who have modified concepts of true love to include all manner of things outside
my ideas of such love are right, and I am wrong. If so, perhaps those of you
who possess deep and real emotions will, when you search your very being, learn
more about what true love is than those of us who are rather cold and
analytical.
Even
if my ideas of love are naive, it is hard for me to believe there is nothing
special about the unique and intense and "good" nature of the love I
see when I look at those who love. Even if passionate love is a desirable part
of human love, it may still be quite possible for all people to love one
another with a more complex, but still true, love. If such is the case, a world
filled with love may indeed still be the one world worth living for.
One
quick comment should be made, when I say my friends experienced passionate love
I am not in any way talking about a casual, merely physical, experience. What I
am talking about is intense and apparently real and lasting commitments between
human beings. I am in no way suggesting the vast majority of personal
relationships that masquerade as loving ones have any love in them at all.
Anyone who has experienced only the shallow emotions of passionate love should
take no comfort in my discussion of whether passionate love may, in a few
special cases, be real love.
Now,
the hard part, explaining why I still do not believe that the intense,
passionate love of my friends was and is the real, true love we should seek. I
do not suggest the intensity of passionate "love" does not bring to
its participants incredible pleasure, pleasure beyond the physical, pleasure
which would perhaps be the goal of all humankind were it not for that which
must be lost in gaining it. For even though I have tried and tried and tried
and tried to imagine the coexistence of what we have called passionate love
with that which we have called true love, it seems to me they cannot exist
together in one human being. A person who chooses to
give passionate love to another person, cannot also choose to give true love to
all people. Passionate love overwhelms true love, it
demands that people do that which they would not do if they loved all people.
The
love I found when I searched my heart, mind, and soul, love every person can
give every other person, may not bring with it the "emotional high"
passion offers, yet it is an all consuming love which becomes part of a person's
very being. Though it may lack the emotional fever that accompanies passionate
romance, the transformation that occurs when a human being chooses to love all
people gives that person love which does not appear and disappear, brighten and
fade. It is love that is with them and comforts them every moment of their
lives. A love that does not focus its energy on one or two people, but rather a
love that spreads out from a person and grows and strengthens as it radiates
into the world. That love, whether it is called ideal or pure or true, or just
called love, is more intense than any love I can imagine.
Indeed,
while it is true the love between two people who love all people is clearly
different to the explosive passion of two lovers for whom the rest of the world
does not exist, I believe it is in fact far more intense and beautiful and
joyous. Only a man or a woman who gives real, pure, true love to all people can
give real, pure, true love to each individual person.
Only
those who give real, true, pure, love to all human beings can give that kind of
love to another human being. Only those who understand and give pure, selfless,
true love to all human beings can give that kind of love to each other. The
love that fills the very being of those who choose to love all people, fills every moment of their lives with love only
they understand, love only they can give. The person for whom
love must be a passionate emotional experience shared by a few does not
understand and cannot give to anyone the all-consuming love which lies within
them. They have locked fellow human beings out of their hearts, minds, and
souls and thus have lost the love that, if it is given to anyone, must be given
to all.
I
may have clouded the understanding of love you found within yourself
by discussing ideas of "passionate love" (and perhaps have
discouraged and muddled the resolve of those who have not yet searched for that
understanding). If and when you complete your search of your heart, mind, and
soul, you will know and understand love. You must use all the understanding of
love that is in your heart, mind, and soul when you consider if some other
"love" may be better. An understanding of pure love brings with it a
belief that we should love each and every person. I have no doubt that if you
know and understand the love that is in your heart, mind, and soul, you will
know that the best you can do in life is to love all people. You will know that
no love is better than the true, real, pure, love every human being can give to
every other human being. You will know and understand that "passionate
love" is "cold" and "empty" when compared to the true,
real, pure, love, you can give to all people. You will
know and understand that the true, pure, love, you can choose to give to all
people, is the only love worth living for. Any doubts I may have had have
vanished. Any doubts you may have will vanish when you complete your search and
know and understand real, true, pure, love.
What
will those who choose to love all people find when they go out into the world?
It is impossible to say what those who choose love will find when they venture
into a world full of people who don't even know what love is. For those who do
not marry the pressures of passionate romance may grow. Only an understanding
of the loss of true love that is the inevitable consequence of passionate love
will help them hold on to true love of all people.
Where
does this leave us? It leaves me with the conclusion that no matter how
fantastic and real a passionate romance may be, it can never be worth choosing
over the love you find in your heart, mind, and soul, your very being. It
leaves me with a belief that the "pure" love in the human heart,
mind, and soul really does exist and is the one true, real, and good love that
can and should be shared by all. It leaves me convinced that loving all people
was not only worth discussing, but is worth living for.
The
question is often asked, do human beings have sufficient capacity to truly love
everybody? The answer is not an easy one for the amount of energy loving takes
from you, if not replenished by being loved, is enormous. Even if you love only
one person such love can be draining, and the demands
on you increase dramatically as you spread your love among all people. If you
love all people, does that weaken the love you give to each person?
If
you give most or all of your love to one or two people, you may not have enough
love left for other people. But if you love all people, something amazing
happens. If you love all people you will not focus your love on one or two, you
will give your love to everyone. When you love all people, the limits you
placed on your love are released, and your love grows to an extent you never
thought possible. When you share your love with all people you will find that
you have plenty of love for each of them.
The true, pure, love
you can give to each person is love that you can give only if you love all
people. It is love that cannot be focused on one or two without being weakened
or destroyed. It is love that blossoms and blooms and expands and grows as it
is given to more and more and more people. You will find that when the love
that was locked in your heart, mind, and soul is given freely to all people,
you will have more than enough love to give to each and every person.